


Your Requiem

by Evelyn_Harrison



Series: Evelyn’s DEH Switch AUs [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (Background Evan/Connor), AU where the characters are switched, Again, Alana is Evan, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Apple Orchard Sunny Smiles, Bipolar Disorder, Connor is Zoe, Depression, Evan is Alana, F/F, Fluff, For Forever scene, High School, Jared is Jared, Lesbian!Alana, Panic Attacks, References of Attempted Suicide, STUFF GETS WEIRD, So basically, Social Anxiety, Stuttering, This is my excuse to write these gays, Zoe is Connor, i promise they are getting better everyday, no one else did something like this, pan!zoe, so i had to, switch au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 03:23:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15787944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evelyn_Harrison/pseuds/Evelyn_Harrison
Summary: “Hey.” A voice said, and instantly Alana turned her head from the bright light of the school computer to that familiar voice.“H-hi?” She said, and her eyes widen when she processed who it was. It was the infamous Zoe Murphy. The Zoe Murphy that bangs and kicks lockers when walking down the hall, the Zoe Murphy that smokes pot during her lunch period. The Zoe Murphy who rarely shows up to class, when she does, she sleeps through it. The Zoe Murphy who swears and gives scary looks at people who laugh at her.She was also the Zoe Murphy who had gorgeous brown and blue eyes, heterochromia, that’s what it was called. The Zoe Murphy who smiled at Alana that one time last year, the smile so subtle and perfect and real. The Zoe Murphy who played her bass guitar in the jazz band two years ago, her face of pure concentration in attempts to not mess up her solo. The Zoe Murphy that helped Alana through a panic attack in the girls bathroom a few months ago.The Zoe Murphy that Alana was undoubtedly, 100% fallen in love with.





	Your Requiem

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Evelyn (sigh) again.... 
> 
> This is a story that I wanted to write, because 1) Zolana is beautiful and 2) It’s kinda dedicated to a few people who wanted Zolana. They asked, and I answered. (Credits to them in the end notes!)
> 
> I was going to work on Born to be Her, but I ended up procrastinating... I promise that the next chapter will be out soon!! Don’t know when, but soon!
> 
> This AU is basically something I thought could happen. Connor and Zoe switch spots, and Evan and Alana do as well. Gayness ensures, and you get this!
> 
> The relationships are portrayed a bit weirdly, and the Murphy siblings are having a tough time... I didn’t get to write the aftermath of them and their rebuilding of their broken relationship. 
> 
> It’s also kinda fast, the story. Takes place over one day, wow. Good job me.
> 
> Anyways, I’m rambling like Alana, so just go and read this 6000 word story down below!!!

“Hey.” A voice said, and instantly Alana turned her head from the bright light of the school computer to that familiar voice.

“H-hi?” She said, and her eyes widen when she processed who it was. It was the infamous Zoe Murphy. The Zoe Murphy that bangs and kicks lockers when walking down the hall, the Zoe Murphy that smokes pot during her lunch period. The Zoe Murphy who rarely shows up to class, when she does, she sleeps through it. The Zoe Murphy who swears and gives scary looks at people who laugh at her.

She was also the Zoe Murphy who had gorgeous brown and blue eyes, _heterochromia_ , that’s what it was called. The Zoe Murphy who smiled at Alana that one time last year, the smile so subtle and perfect and real. The Zoe Murphy who played her bass guitar in the jazz band two years ago, her face of pure concentration in attempts to not mess up her solo. The Zoe Murphy that helped Alana through a panic attack in the girls bathroom a few months ago.

The Zoe Murphy that Alana was undoubtedly, 100% fallen in love with.

“So… I wanted to apologize for earlier. Kleinman was being an ass and it tipped me off the edge. I was having a bad morning, and he just set off the rest of the bomb.” Zoe said, leaning against the doorframe of the school’s computer room. Her arms were folded, with her pastel purple backpack on one shoulder, and her denim short-shorts hoisted up to her waist and purple cardigan loosely around her. She absolutely looked stunning.

_Wait, she was speaking to me, right??_ “O-oh, yeah, no problem. J-Jared is j-just like that and I was just i-in the w-way. S-sorry.” Alana coughed out, hands folded together and on her lap. She was way too nervous to look at Zoe, and mentally hit herself for stuttering like a weirdo just seconds ago. _Oh my god, Alana, you can’t even say a sentence right without stuttering. She probably thinks your crazy and will never talk to you ever again—_

“You say sorry a lot.” Zoe pointed out, pushing herself off of the frame.

“S-sorry.” Alana responded, before wincing. She fiddled with her hands, her unpolished nails tapping against the palms of her hands. _Is it just me, or am I really getting hot right now? My palms are sweating and I’m pretty sure that the computer room just got 10 degrees hotter. Oh my god, I probably will end up all gross and sweaty and Zoe will be disgusted with me—_

There was an uneasy moment of silence, before Zoe motioned her head to Alana’s pitiful, blank cast. “No one has signed your cast.”

Alana blinked, embarrassment filling the void of her anxiety and depression. “Y-yeah, no one really b-bothered to and it’s not a b-big deal o-or anything, and I-I’m going to get it off s-soon so you do-don’t have to s-sign it—!” She rushed out, with Zoe coming closer and closer to her.

“I f-fell from a tree, and, and, after I just waited f-for someone to come and get m-me, b-but no one did, and so I j-just got up and w-walked to the hospital where m-my mom came and picked me u-up.” _You didn’t fall, you didn’t fall, you didn’t fall—!_

“That’s the saddest fucking thing I ever heard. Oh my god.” Zoe chuckled, and Alana wanted to die. Her crush was laughing at her. Who wouldn’t? She was totally alone and no one, _no one even cares_ , and Alana doesn’t want to deal with another person’s pity look, nevertheless Zoe’s.

“I’ll sign it. Do you have a sharpie?” Zoe said firmly, dead-set on signing Alana’s stupid and *worthless cast that really shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here at all—

“H-here.” Alana pulled out a thick black sharpie from her small little purse that rested on her hip, and shakily handed it to Zoe. Zoe took it, pulling Alana up and off of the uncomfortable plastic chair.

Alana watched Zoe write her name in neat, thick bold letters, taking up the majority of the blank space on Alana’s cast. With satisfaction, Zoe pulled back the pen and gave Alana a small, sad smile, her voice hoarse and nearly a whisper. “There, now we both can pretend that we have friends.”

_Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god—_ “W-we don’t have to pretend!” The dark-skinned girl blurted out, and them immediately covered her free hand over her mouth. What did she just say?

Zoe raised her eyebrows, surprise at Alana’s sudden boldness. “Are you sure? Being friends with me will just ruin your life. Everyone who hates me will hate you.”

_What am I doing?_ “N-no, no, it’s, it’s um, not like I h-have friends, and I didn’t want to oppose that y-you didn’t either, it’s just that, erm, it doesn’t have to be pretend, w-we don’t have to p-pretend—!?” Alana forced out, feeling that she just dug her grave right then and there. Her palms started to sweat even more, and she furiously rubbed them against her yellow sundress.

Zoe’s face remained blank for a second— _just like my cast_ — before it broke out to the same smile that Alana fell in love with a year ago. “Then I guess that we can be friends. If you want.”

“Y-yeah!” She nodded, fidgeting in her spot and hand grazing over the newly signed cast. It felt surreal, honestly. But wait, was she sure that this was going to be alright? Would Zoe pretend to be her friend, to only then make fun of Alana later on, and Alana will end up being _alone_ alone, not being able to even be friends with the person who doesn’t even have friends?

“Alright… _friend_.” Zoe said, the word foreign on her tongue. “What the fuck do you wanna do? What do friends even do?”

I could say the same. “W-well, w-we could start off by t-trading n-numbers?” _Nonono, that’s a bad idea, you can’t even talk on the phone, or even in a conversation, bad idea bad idea bad idea!!_

“S—t, I don’t have a phone. Not with me, anyways.” Zoe frowned, eyebrows creasing. “My parents confiscated it because they found a bag of pot under my mattress.”

Alana bit her lip, _oh thank god_ , and she tried to fake a frown. “Th-that s-sucks…”

Zoe nodded, lip curled into an annoyed snarl. “My parents don’t understand shit, and my fucking brother ratted me out.”

_I don’t even have siblings. Or a proper family_. “Oh.” _What am I supposed to say in this kind of conversation??_

The younger Murphy beckoned Alana to follow her, walking out of the computer lab. Alana quickly followed after, closing the tab of her unprinted therapy letter, trailing behind Zoe. Zoe didn’t quite say anything as they walked down the hallway, earning a few stares from their peers, and Alana kept her head down as they walked, nearly side by side.

“W-we could write letters?” Alana suggested, the sting of her unfinished therapy letter for Dr. Sherman still in the back of her busy mind. The letter that was meant to help her overcome her social anxiety and crippling depression, the letter that was supposed to make her feel better, the letter that could either ruin or repair her life.

Zoe clicked her tongue, thinking. Her hands were shoved into her cardigan pockets, back hunched a bit. “Yeah, we could do that.”

The two of them found themselves at the younger Murphy’s locker, number 137. Turning around, Zoe pressed her back onto her bent locker, giving Alana an intense stare that contrasted with her clothes. Alana felt herself being pinpointed on the spot, the amount of attention was too much.

_Should I say something? What do I say? Zoe is looking hard at me, is she calculating my every move? How do I forward this conversation without making myself a fool?_

Unfortunately, maybe not-so unfortunately, Zoe’s older brother, Connor Murphy, rushed up to Alana, completely not acknowledging his younger sister. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, is Zoe threatening you or anything? Blackmailing you to hang out with her? She’s such a psychopath.” He said, fixing the messenger bag strap that was slung over his shoulder. He said ‘psychopath’ so easily, like he’s been saying it for years. Like it’s a guard to protect himself.

“What, no! Connor, I’m not blackmailing Alana—!” Zoe shouted, pushing her brother. “You can’t just assume that’s the kinda shit I’ll do!”

Alana looked at the arguing Murphy siblings, too scared to do anything. She wanted to say something, _anything_ , to make them stop, because Zoe didn’t hurt her, didn’t blackmail her or—

“Sh-she’s not!” Alana blurted out, _what’s with me blurting things out now_ , and felt both of them stop and stare at her. The people around them were staring. Staring at Alana.

Shaking, she somehow found the courage to speak up for Zoe, who she doesn’t know and doesn’t know Alana. “Z-Zoe isn’t blackmailing me, or threatening me at a-all… I want to be her f-friend.”

Connor looks at her, confused and skeptical. He shoots Zoe a stern look, who shrugs in return, before looking back at Alana. “Tell me if she’s doing anything to you.” He said, voice quieter and hushed.

Alana stared up at him, blinking in response. He fixed his posture, one hand grabbing onto his bag strap. Turning away, he said something to Zoe, and it seemed to make her mood shift. Heat rushed to her cheeks, and she stretched her hand out to Alana’s, taking it and pulling Alana closer.

Alana felt the heat radiating from Zoe’s body, the whiff of peppermint shampoo and the softness from the taller girl’s hand. _Oh my god, what do I do what do I do??_

“Oh fuck off, Connor. Go make out with Evan instead of bothering me.” Zoe growled, rolling her eyes, her voice gaining more of an annoyed tone.

Suddenly, Alana felt a tug, and Zoe was dragging her away from her brother, racing down the hallways and past the school library. Alana looked back for a few moments, and saw the familiar blond hair boy approach the older Murphy, before she was pulled outside, out from the back entrance, and to the parking lot.

Zoe stopped at a beat-up red truck, taking out a pair of keys and opening the doors. “C’mon, let’s get out of here.” She said roughly, motioning Alana to climb into the passenger’s seat.

“B-but what about class?” Alana asked, feeling a wave of panic that, _I’m skipping class and my marks will go down and my dad will be disappointed in me and I’ll end up homeless with no degree and die from a car crash._

“It’s just one day, it’ll be fine!” There was that touch of annoyance, but Alana wasn’t sure if it was at her, or just at school in general.

_Just get away from everything. Away from the stares of your peers and the looks from others. Away from the loud noises and laughs. Away from the panic and homework. Away from the thing that makes you nervous. Away from all of it!_ Reluctantly, Alana climbed into the truck and closed the door, putting on the seatbelt near her. She pushed those feelings down, biting her lip in attempts to suppress that feeling of doubt. “O-oh, okay…”

Zoe started the truck, hand gripped tightly on the steering wheel, knuckles white. She quickly made it out of the parking lot. Alana felt uncomfortable, not wanting to touch anything, or that Zoe might get angry at her, _and throw her out onto the middle of nowhere—_

Alana peered out of the window, surprised to see that they are around a few kilometres away already, and noticed that Zoe was getting closer and closer to A La Mode, an ice cream parlour Alana used to go to when she was younger. Zoe pulled in, and hopped out of the truck. “Coming in or what?”

The dark-skinned girl looked at the ice cream parlour, too many memories flooding over her. Shaking her head, she chewed on the inner part of her lip, hands playing with the hem of her dress.

The brunette nodded, shutting the door, but leaving the window open. “What do you want then?”

Her eyes widen, and Alana shook her head once more. “Y-you don’t h-have to buy me a-anything.” _It’ll be an inconvenience, and I’m pretty sure I am already one, so might as well shut up and stop talking before I screw up again._

Shrugging, Zoe walked away from the truck and into the ice cream parlour. Alana watched the taller girl, sighing in temporary relief, and that ache in her shoulders gave her a slightly more confident feeling. Slumping down a bit, careful not to touch anything other than the seat, Alana took out her phone from her little purse and checked to see if there was any sort of message to her. _None_. Good. Not that she didn’t like people texting her, well, she never really enjoyed communication, nor the worry that she would see in her father’s eyes because _wow, I sure am a disappointment!!!_

The door of the truck opened, causing Alana to snap out of her short daze. Zoe was holding a cone with multiple flavors of ice cream in one hand, and a small bowl of vanilla in the other.

“Open up, it’s getting cold in my hands.” Zoe said, elbowing the door. Alana quickly scrambled to the driver's seat to open the door for Zoe, who slid in and handed the dark-skinned girl the bowl of ice cream. “You seem to be a vanilla kinda person.”

_Was that a compliment or an insult?_ “O-okay, t-thanks?” Alana held the ice cream in both hands, staring down at two scoops of diabetes in front of her.

Zoe started the truck once again, and drove out to the main highway, and down the winding country road, simultaneously biting into her ice cream without mercy. She was halfway until her large cone where as Alana had only taken a few small bites of hers.

Peering outside of the window, Alana watched the trees pass them. The sky was a beautiful blue, only a few clouds in sight. Finding the non-existent courage, Alana turned her head slightly to look at her crush, who had a small, strange smile that she has never seen before. _Is she mad at me? Is she planning to murder me and bury my body in a landfill?_

“We’re here.” Zoe said, finishing her cone and wiping her hands in her shorts. Killing the engine, she got out of her truck and motioned Alana to follow her.

Alana got out, the half eaten ice cream bowl still in her hand. She discarded it in a trash can near the parking lot, and realized that they were at the front of the abandoned apple orchard. Sunny Smiles, that’s what it’s was called.

To Alana’s surprise, Zoe started to climb the high fence of the orchard, turning around to then climb down on the other side, her cheeks barely red. It’s like she’s done this a million times. “Come on, let’s go before someone sees us.”

Swallowing, the dark-skinned girl nodded, not wanting to ask any questions. She hurriedly copied Zoe, taking a bit longer to go over the fence due to her unforgiving cast. Once she was on the other side, Alana found that Zoe had disappeared.

Surveying the area, she found that the trees were still growing and healthy, the grass was much taller years ago, the apples that laid on the ground was still fresh, since it has only been a few days since they ripened.

Alana found Zoe around 100 meters away from her, walking through the open yellow field that’s framed with luscious green trees. She picks it up, moving faster than a walk but not quite a jog, and she catches up to the brunette who took a seat on the hill of the field.

“Sit.” It was almost like a command, like what Kagome would say to Inuyasha. Not that Alana was Inuyasha, or even a Kagome, but maybe like a Sango or Rin. Sitting down beside Zoe, Alana nervously crossed her legs and pressed her sundress over her legs, back hunched as she continued to glance back and forth from Zoe to the trees.

_Now I wait for it, wait for my death. I’ve envisioned death so much it seems more like a memory_. Alana thought, her hands finding her hair to play with. The long, black strands at the end of the dozens of braids in her hair, all tied up into one huge ponytail. She heard Zoe rustle in the itchy grass beside her, the brunette clicking her tongue loudly. _Oh my god, she probably will kill me now. Not that I mind, death is a very nice option to choose._

“If you keep on doing that, your hair will get tangled and ruined.” Zoe said, grabbing Alana’s hand roughly to pull it back. Alana nearly jumped out of her skin, shocked at such sudden movement. And plus, the contact that Zoe was making. Her wrist feels warm, heat rushing to Alana’s face.

“S-s-sorry?” She stammered out, not knowing what else to say. _Wow, way to go!_

Zoe let go of Alana’s hand, to only brush the same hand though Alana’s thick locks, the same intense look from half an hour ago. Alana was frozen in her spot, to scared to move. Her heart was beating out of her chest, the redness spreading to her ears.

The taller girl pulled her hand back seconds later, face turning away from Alana. “Whatever.” She stood up, re-shoving her hands in her pockets. Alana watched Zoe walk towards the tallest tree of the orchard, the tree that she and her family used to climb on like monkeys. The tree that Alana watched grow and grow over the years, the one that she’d run around and play tag with the kids, _when she was still able to make friends_.

Alana stood up, brushing the hard grass off of her dress, and followed her crush to the tree. Zoe began to climb the tree, calling Alana to follow her up.

_This feels like a re-enactment of how I broke my arm a few months ago._ “M-my cast! I-I can’t climb!” _I can’t do this, I can’t do this, this is too much, too much, too—_

She felt a heavy weight on her chest, and before she knew it, Alana fell to her knees and squeezed her eyes shut, the memories of the incident replaying over and over and over again, those same voices laughing at her, laughing at her because that’s what they do best. Clutching her head, nails digging into her skin, her breathes became shallow and she can’t think, can’t move, the tears falling way to fast and there’s way too much of everything, everything, and Alana just needs to think but she can’t! She felt her body shake, everything feeling hot and burning and she can’t control herself, her head aching and she wants to throw up.

_You didn’t fall, you didn’t fall, you didn’t fall—!_ She didn’t scream, but let out a loud, painful wheeze, the lack of air making her choke on nothing. Is she dying? Why does it feel like she is? _You let go, you let go, you let go yet you still didn’t end it. You still are here and suffering. Your pathetic attempts to finish it off ended up to backfire and now you’re just—_

“Hey, oh my god, Alana, are you, do—?” Someone was pushing her back a bit, large arms wrapping around Alana’s waist, trying to calm her down. Is that what the person was doing? “‘Lana, breathe, _breathe_ , listen to me!”

Through the tears, Alana forced herself to look up at the person of whose voice was talking. It was Zoe. Still Zoe. She didn’t leave, she didn’t run away, she didn’t record her making a fool of herself, didn’t— didn’t…?

“Okay, okay,” Zoe mumbled to herself, before trying to reassure the broken girl in her arms. “Name five things you can see, _c’mon_ , breathe, you can do it—!” The roughness in Zoe’s voice seemed to disappear, and it was weird because Zoe never talked in such a tone that was so… calming?

“I-I-I, th-the grass, the t-tree.” Alana winced, blinking the tears away because everything around her was all blurry. “M-my dress a-and the s-sky and y-you—.”

Zoe nodded her head, reaching out her hand once more to hold Alana’s. “Name four things you can touch.” She was strangely calm about Alana’s attack, like she was prepared for it?

Alana bit her lip, trying to think straight. “T-the ground, t-the grass, my c-cast, y-your hand.” Did she do it right? Did she do anything right? Why can’t she remember how all of this is happening?

“Yes, there you go. Keep breathing, through the nose and out of the mouth. What three things can you hear right now?” Zoe gently pulled Alana to the tree, taking small steps and guiding her. It was like she’s out-of-character, someone else in her body controlling the girl.

Her bitten nails found a fresh spot of clean skin to dig into, scratching and leaving angry red marks. “Wi-wind, the l-leaves, y-your voice—?”

“Two things you smell.” Zoe said, trying her best to comfort the anxiety-ridden girl. She was rubbing small circles on the back of Alana’s back, a weird gentleness and fondness in her voice. Earlier, Zoe sounded like she was going to murder someone.

Inhaling, Alana wiped the tears out of her eyes, her mind still swirling with thoughts, but the voices in her head seemed to quiet down more. “A-apples and peppermint s-shampoo…” The whiff of the somewhat familiar shampoo made Alana’s heart calm a bit, the smell to it reminding her of the tea’s her grandmother would make for her when she was still alive.

The circles on her back slowed down, and Zoe then started to comb her fingers through Alana’s hair, her voice soothing. “There you go. You’re doing good, breathe for me. Name one thing you can taste.”

Licking her lips, the faint trace of her vanilla ice cream was present. It was a bit too sweet and sticky. “Vanilla ice c-cream.” Alana responded, the tears drying up. She felt that heaviness on her chest disappear, the crushing weight of her entire existence not smothering her that much as it should.

After, what seems to be like hours, even though it was just a few minutes, Zoe finally pulled away, and Alana was left with an empty space to hold onto. She missed the touch, the warmth of the other girl was still lingering.

“T-thanks.” Alana managed to say. She wished she could say more, but her throat was tight and she barely could form other words. How she managed to say everything else, she doesn't know.

“No problem.” The tone in the brunette’s voice was still soft, still comforting and fond. Like maybe she was always like this, but she had a large wall to protect herself from others. To protect others from herself. Did Alana break down the wall, or climb over it? Or did she make a door to get to the other side?

The girl was still looking at Alana, calculating and thinking of something. It was the same face when she played her guitar, the same face when she was coming out of A La Mode. “So…” She drawled out, studying Alana.

“Do you wanna get out of here?”

_Do I? I haven’t been here for years, everything is so beautiful, yet the memories of the tree and how no one came to get me is still there. Should I go? Should I stay?_

“If you wanna stay, it’s fine with me.” Zoe added, a tense look on her face. She almost looked guilty, guilty for triggering the attack. Guilty for putting Alana in such a rough state. Guilty for even being there.

“N-no, I-I wanna stay.” _Maybe just not here._ Alana found herself taking more deep breaths, trying to clear her clustered mind. “The field…”

Zoe was picking at her nails, the purple nail polish beginning to chip off. There was an unevenness to them, some were longer than the others. It was like Zoe bit them or scratched them against hard surfaces.

“The field is a good idea.” Zoe responded, and took Alana’s hand again. How many times have they held hands? Did it not bother her at all? Did she like to hold hands with Alana? _They’re so_ _warm and soft…_

The taller girl then lead her to the same field from earlier, taking their spot on the hill. Away from the tallest tree, away from everything that could hurt Alana at all. The memory still burns, engraved in her brain, and Alana doubts that it’ll leave.

Sitting down once more, Zoe patted the spot beside her. Alana sat back down, this time moving to lay on her back. She stared up at the bright blue sky, with no clouds in sight. If she could only see sky, for forever, letting the world past by, she would be okay. And everything could be alright once more.

Hours must of past with Alana not knowing. Zoe ended up starting a long conversation, first with quoting songs from their favourite bands. When Alana was feeling more comfortable, she started to pitch in, talk a bit more. The brunette then moved on to telling jokes that no one else would understand, except the two of them. They just talked and took in the view.

Alana felt that she was learning a lot about this Zoe Murphy. That she wasn’t all edgy and rude, mean and violent. That she wasn’t always like what people see her as. It was weird, this Zoe Murphy was actually _nice_ and kind to Alana? The total opposite from what she thought Zoe was before. It was the same Zoe who still had thousands of gel pens, the same Zoe who drew stars on the cuffs of her jeans. It was the same Zoe who had a perfect smile, so real and subtle. So genuine and pure.

_How did I end up skipping school to hang out with my crush, who also is the supposed “Edgy Emo,” and “School Schooter Chic?”_ Alana thought, her eyes drifting to the girl beside her. _How are they even the same person?_

“There’s no place I rather be.” Zoe suddenly said, a warm smile for Alana, and only Alana. It caused Alana to snap out of her quick day dream, and she felt her cheeks heat up.

“Me too.” Alana responded, her anxiety slowly vanishing. She felt like she was flying, heart beating rapidly and _oh my god, my crush is so beautiful and I really, really wanna—_

Zoe sat up, the wind blowing through her long brown hair, and she looked at Alana, the smile still on her face. The sun was setting, and they both should be going home. The dark skinned girl texted her dad a while ago, saying that she was ‘out with a friend’ — _I can call Zoe a friend, right?_ — and in which her dad was overjoyed.

‘Go have fun with your friend! I’m so happy that you made one on the first day of senior year! Come home when you’re ready!’ Is what her dad texted back, and Alana didn’t feel that guilt in her stomach. She would lie and say that she was at Jared’s, even though she would be at the library, alone and over studying for her upcoming tests. _I don’t need to lie anymore, right?_

“You know, Alana, it’s weird to be talking to someone who understands you.” Zoe said, looking up at the now purple and orange sky. “Someone who listens to you, someone that can relate.”

Alana looked down at their hands, inches apart from one another. “Yeah.” There was no stuttering there. How she was able to act like herself, be comfortable around the second most friendless person in the school, is still a mystery.

“You don’t laugh at me, you don’t see me as someone who just murdered a dude in a back alley.” Zoe paused, a short and almost painful chuckle right after. “You see me as me, and you see me as a person, not another girl in a crowd.”

_You as well. You haven’t laughed at me, you haven’t judged me, you haven’t run away because you think I’m weird or crazy or unstable. Which is strange because I’m pretty sure I am unstable, at least with my crippling anxiety and depression._

“I’m glad that we are… friends.” The brunette smiled once more, the familiar smile from the computer room hours ago. “If we met before, maybe when things still were okay, things might of not turn to shit. We could be okay.”

Zoe took Alana’s hand, for god knows how many times, and pulled Alana a bit closer to her. Alana felt that blush spread to her ears and neck, the amount of contact in one day was almost overflowing. Her heart was about to burst with too many feelings.

“We can be more than friends.” Alana said, before slapping her hand over her mouth. _Why did I blurt that out, of all things in my head?! I can’t take it back now, or Zoe might think I’m a terrible person and we’ll stop being friends and—_

Zoe reached out her free hand, cupping Alana’s red cheeks. “We can. Be more than friends.” Another pause, and she did a small grin. “You didn’t stutter there.”

Ducking her head, Alana wanted to cover her face to prevent the younger Murphy to see the glowing red spreading. “I-I didn’t, n-no. Is t-that a good t-thing?”

“It is.” Zoe said, voice low and pulling the dark-skinned girl closer, their lips close to touching. Her breath still smelled like ice cream, fresh and cold.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Alana pursed her lips that she’d just gently kiss Zoe, adrenaline kicking in and her heart sprinting at million miles per hour. She was expecting Zoe to move back, to turn away, disguised with Alana, but she didn’t do that. Instead, Zoe returned the kiss, her lips soft and slightly wet. Their noses bumped, and the kiss was kind of queer and dorky. Their lips ended up brushing a handful of times.

Pulling back, Zoe still was cupping her hands on Alana’s cheeks, her eyes lowered and somewhat in a trance. “I like you.” She whispered, and Alana felt that everything wasn’t real anymore. _Maybe I’m a realistic coma from falling, maybe I’m dreaming, maybe—_

“W-we just m-met a-and—!” _Wow, good job on ruining the moment, genius!_ “I really like you too!” _What the f—!!_

Zoe stared at her, face blank and she blinked. “Why me?” _That’s my line, Zoe!!_

“I-I, erm, i-it was wh-when yo-you smiled a-at me and I r-really wanted t-to know you better and I th-think you’re cool and you’re n-not mean to me a-and—!” _Just kill me now!!_ “I-I’ve l-liked you f-for longer than y-you could p-possibly know?”

There was a long pause, the only sound Alana could hear was her breathing and the wind that flew over them, the leaves of the great oaks rustling and the grass brushing against them. Finally, Zoe responded.

“I guess that makes us the same.” It was barely a whisper, and Alana saw Zoe’s eyes sparkle and brighten a bit.

“W-what…?” Alana didn’t know how to feel. What should she feel in this situation? Her crush just confessed to her, with them barely knowing each other, just started talking hours ago, and _this_?

“Ever since the day that you helped me in Grade 9, I’ve been head over heels for you.” Zoe started, brushing loose strands of hair out of Alana’s red face. “You somehow helped me up from my darkest moments.

The memory appeared in the back of Alana’s mind, resurfacing from a filed away thought.

_It was the middle of the school year, and she was rushing for her first class. As she passed a group of kids surrounding a row of lockers, she remembered seeing Zoe. The girl was pushed to the ground by older kids, and they dispersed when a teacher walked by._

_Alana reached her hand out to Zoe, who she didn’t know and who didn’t know her, and helped her up. Their hands touched for only a few seconds, with Zoe being slightly hesitant to do so._

_“A-are you ok?” She asked, and Zoe looked at her, eyes wide._

_“Yeah. Thanks.” It was short and clipped, and Zoe couldn’t look away at the shorter girl. The girl who helped her up when no one else bothered to. The girl who didn’t run away after seeing her._

_Alana pushed her hair back, biting her lip and taking a glimpse of the clock on the far wall of the hallway. “I b-better get going. S-see you?” It was more like a question that a salutation._

_It was the first time Alana came in contact with Zoe. The first time their hands touched, the first time they looked into each other’s eyes._

_The first time that Alana said anything nice to Zoe._

“Y-you remembered that?” Alana’s eyes widen, blinking rapidly. She tried to push that memory far back, so deep that she could forget it. It was the same day where Alana had a severe panic attack in the girls locker room, after a bunch of her classmates laughed at her project that she did in front of the class. She tried to forget that day, and she supposed that memory of Zoe was also forgotten.

“It was the day that I started to feel again. I started to feel more emotions I never thought I would feel anymore. I mean, my weird feelings for you was why I showed up to school to see you, why I even got out of my bed.” Zoe creased her eyebrows, pulling her hands back to place them onto Alana’s cast. “Why I wanted to be your friend, why I wanted to be closer to you. Why I wanted to stay on this damn planet, just for one more day.”

The wind blew through Zoe’s hair, and Alana felt more da-dum’s in her chest. It felt to dramatic to be in this kind of situation, like it was in a movie or book.

“It was the day that I fell in love with you. The anxiety-ridden, broken yet found you. The gentle and warm you. The tree nerd you. The overachiever you. Everything about you, I love.”

Alana felt a warm tear slid down her face. Her vision blurred, and her heart was finally overflowing with emotions. “M-me too…” She whispered, slow and like a quiet sigh.

“I’m too scared I might hurt you, I’m too scared that you’d hate me, I’m too scared of losing you. I want to cherish you, I want to stay by your side.” Zoe said, pulling Alana into a hug. “If I hurt you, I’d never forgive myself.”

They stayed in the hug for a few minutes, the warmth from Zoe was almost too much, and Alana felt that blissfulness of happiness spread over her, something that she hasn’t felt much after her mom moved to Colorado, leaving only her and her dad behind to pick up the broken pieces of their family.

Dopamine. It’s a chemical that one’s brain releases when one’s happy. It’s almost like an addictive drug, that both of the girls wish to feel more of. And they would feel for a long time after this day, with each other side by side.

“Can I kiss you again?” Zoe asked, slowly pulling away from their hug. She was smiling, with small tears in her eyes. _Everything feels so unreal. Like a reality that I could only wish for._

“O-of course, y-you don’t need to ask…” Alana let out a short giggle, wiping the tears out of Zoe’s face. The anxiety that wrapped around her brain was being pushed away by the overwhelming feelings of happiness. It was still there, but only knocking at the door instead of banging. She knows that the knocking won’t go away so soon, but at least it was bearable.

Zoe moved her head so that she could kiss Alana once more, the second time was much more smoother and breathtaking than the first.

“If I offed myself, and you knew about, would you sing a requiem?” Zoe asked, sometime later. They laid on the grass, staring up at the starry sky. “For me?”

Alana didn’t need to think twice about it. “Yes, I would. If you passed today, I would sing a requiem for you until the day I die.” She didn’t stutter there either.

“That’s dramatic.” Zoe chuckled, “Like you rehearsed it.”

The dark-skinned girl bit her lip to suppress a laugh. This time, she held out her hand to Zoe’s, smiling like she has never done before. It felt easier and easier to talk properly, with that weird found confidence that she wished she found before. “But I wouldn’t need to sing any requiem, because you’re here with me, and I’m here with you.”

“You dork.” Zoe tilted her head back, and by no means had any rudeness in her tone. “This is like some cheesy ‘strangers to lovers’ trope. We just met, yet you’re confessing your undying love for me.”

“ _You’re_ the one who confessed!” Alana laughed, gently pushing Zoe. Glancing down, she still found that their hands were intertwined.

“Touché.” Zoe nodded, their laughter dying down. It became quiet again, the soft breathing from both of them and the noisy crickets near them filled the cool air.

“It feels like we’ve known each other for forever.”

Alana looked over to Zoe, whose eyes was closed. She looked calm and relaxed, a sight that not much others will get to see. Maybe Alana was special, special enough to see Zoe smile, special enough to see her laugh and cry. Special enough to see the true Zoe Murphy, not the facade that everyone else sees.

“Yeah. For forever.” Alana responded, holding onto Zoe’s hand a bit tighter, and the two of them smiled at each other once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Nice to see you here, I didn’t expect you to finish this lazy work. 
> 
> I wanted to portray anxiety more in this, but since I have GAD and not SAD, it was a bit harder to. I got it done, with researching a bit more, but the end result was bleh. When I have panic attacks, (I’m not even sure if they are...) I usually end up crying a lot and unable to talk? So I searched online, got some info, and now it’s what I guess a panic attack would seem like. I also found a method I’ve seen before, called grounding. I’ve done it when I’m having an attack, and it works for me! Hopefully it works for you!
> 
> I have like,,,,, way to many fics to write, and instead of writing them, I wrote this. Shoutout to @amazing-adrien, my wonderful editor, and @shyberiuswrites for helping me find the motivation to write this!!! Go check them out on tumblr!! They’re super cool and deserves your likes!
> 
> This fic goes to @floraldrizzle, @taptaptapping-on-the-glass and @evanxconnor (also on tumblr), who are also pretty cool!! (If you guys are reading this, thanks???)
> 
> Thanks for reading! Any errors or concerns, comment below and I’ll fix them!
> 
> PS: Heart Control just got over 500 hits, like, woah!! You guys rock!! Thanks so much!!!!
> 
> PPS: Comments and Kudos are what keep me going! You don’t have to, but it’s greatly appreciated!! Or checking out my soon to be writing and art blog: https://trees-and-sky.tumblr.com 
> 
> Sincerely, Evelyn :)


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